How to support your partner living with OCD
If your partner lives with OCD, you are probably familiar with just how much OCD can affect someone’s life. OCD can take many forms. You may notice that their obsessions and compulsions affect everything from cleaning to making dinner to how much they believe you love them. Your partner may ask you do things like disinfect the kitchen, cut up raw meat, or give them reassurance that everything is going to be okay. These can be compulsions, even though your partner is asking you to do it for them. For many of us, our first instinct when we see our partner suffering is to try and “fix” the problem. Unfortunately, this does not work with OCD and often leads to their symptoms worsening. Think of the compulsions like the gas that makes a car run. If you continue to put gas into the car (i.e. do compulsions), the car (i.e. the obsessions) will continue to work. Below are my recommendations about other ways you can support your partner instead:
Become educated about OCD
Take the time to read more about OCD. In order to best help your partner, it is crucial that you understand the relationship between obsessions and compulsions and how avoidance affects symptoms. I recommend reading Loving Someone with OCD: Help for You and Your Family by Karen Landsman et. al
Join a support group
Many practices offer support groups that are specifically for individuals who have a loved one experiencing OCD. The support group will give you a space to discuss your experiences and better understand how you can best support your partner.
Attend a therapy session with your partner
This recommendation is fully dependent on if your partner and their therapist are comfortable with this arrangement. If your partner is open to it, it could be very helpful to hear about their symptoms. This could allow an opportunity for you, your partner, and their therapist to create a plan of action together to address their compulsions. I find it helpful for clients to create a list of phrases they would like their partner to use to say no to a compulsion. For example, if your partner asks you to disinfect your kitchen. You can say something like “I think this may be your OCD talking” or “I want to best support you and I don’t think I should do the compulsion.”
Point out the small changes you notice.
If your partner was able to cut up the chicken for dinner after years of having you do it, that is a huge win! It can be very encouraging for your partner if you let them know that you are seeing their improvements too.
Remember that their OCD symptoms are not your responsibility.
At the end of the day, your partner will need to make the conscious choice and effort to limit their compulsions and avoidance. You can support them in that journey but you can not be the one in charge of their wellness.
Do self care
Make sure you have time throughout the week to do something for yourself. Self care can look many different ways, from hanging out with friends, playing an instrument, taking a bath, or calling a loved one. You will have more emotional bandwidth to support your partner if you are taking time to support yourself too.
